Star Heck
by Drassil
Summary: My first ever fanfic, written ten years ago. A light-hearted parody. TNG-based but includes crossovers with other Star Trek TV series.


In unexplored space, the USS Boobyprize-D stalled. As the retolift doors creaked open, Captain John-Luke Picnose tipped the bellboy and stepped onto the bridge, managing not to fall off into the water. He put on his seatbelt and gave his uniform a customary tug, accidentally ripping it.

"There's something horrid on the sensors," said Wata, the first converted food-serving robot in Starfreak.

"Sorry, it's me," said Commander Raker, and heaved his beer belly off the sensors.

As Dr. Blusher was called off the bridge to mend a broken nail in Ten-Backward, and Wata's cat Splot spontaneously changed sex, a huge ship arrived. K'neri, the Klingoff guy who stands and the back, identified it as a Bogg Cubical. The captain gave orders to hail it, but weather systems were broken.

"How much power have we got?" Picnose called down the Engineering through a hole in the floor.

"Main hamster wheel is offline," answered Gaudy LaFork, and went back to his game of Tetris.

Suddenly, a Bogg appeared on the bridge, and in a flush, picked up Picnose and transported away. "Looks like the captain'll need help," said Raker. "Not that he didn't before."

--

A light flickered in the office on the Federation's rubbish station, Dump Space 8½.

"Joke, put your laser pointer away now!" ordered his father, Bin Sicko. Suddenly, Bin was attacked by a 20-foot Lardassian Gorilla-Bird. "Jennifer?"

"Ha-ha, only me!!" it shouted - it was shapeshifting/ shoplifting security cheif Ohno. "I've a message from the USS Boobyprize - the Bogg have kidhapped their captain."

"Is that good or bad?" asked Sicko, as Mourn began chatting to himself.

"Bad, I suppose - the Dumonion wanted him too."

"We'd better go and help him then. Dr. Basher, Chief O'Brain, Lt. Lax (all 7 of your personalities), and Major Vera - we have a rescue mission. Follow me to the Deviant."

--

Somewhere in the Bogg ship was trapped a starship that had been missing for 2 years - the USS Villager. In the messy hall, Captain Wrongway and Barry Dim were throwing up the meal chef Neejerx cooked (last month), when Commander Chakatotakatototakakay stuck his head through a ceiling hole. "Captain, sensors just picked up a human life-form reading, though they put him back down."

"I'd like to know what he was reading," croaked Wrongway. "Threevok, stop laughing and tell Doctor Whatshisface and Hoo-Kes I'm coming to sickbay."

"You know, said Chak., "my people have a saying... but I can't remember it."

"Do you have a life, commander?" asked Tom Papyris (so-called because of his severely flaky skin).

"I'm too stupid to know myself, so I'll ask my animal guide," he replied.

--

A new Bogg had contacted the Boobyprize. He was half-human, half-lavatory - the former Picnose.

+I am Loocutus. Surrender, or we will flush you away. Thank you for your co-operation.+

"Mr. K'neri - weapons and shields status," inquired Raker.

"Swords and spears are too bent to use; shields are nicely polished, but slightly dented."

"Commander, I suggest you come and look at this," said Wata. Raker struggled over to Wata's duty station. It said, in big letters:

#Congratulations, Wata! You are the highest scorer on Tetris!#

"Not that, this." Wata pointed to a message from DS8½.

-Dear Madam - Unfortunately, the USS Deviant will be unable to help you. _Somebody_ released the handbrake too soon, and the ship has ploughed into Quack's Bar. So tough.-

--

Ninety years earlier, on a different Boobyprize, Captina Jamie Jirk stepped off the conveyor belt by his thought-controlled chair, and sat down, as Lt. Uhaira opened her mouth for another original comment. "Captain, another message from the future. They'd like our help again."

Jirk sighed. "Not again. What do you think, Mr. Spook?"

"It would be logical to help them," stated the Dullcan. "So let's not!! We could change the timeline so they all have to wear frilly pink skirts!! Hee-hee!! Live long in health-spa!"

"Snotty what do you think?" Jirk asked.

"Ach, Cap'n, I cannae be bothered."

"Perfectly acceptable. Doctor McCow?"

"Dammit, Jim, I'm a doctor, not an adviser," said McCow. "Heck, I'm hardly even a doctor."

"Well," said Jirk, as the computer dispensed gel onto his hair, "I could not risk the Boobyprize getting scratched. Tell them we won't be helping, Uhaira. It's back to our mapping mission. Sensor readings?"

"We're stil only picking up that black stuff with white dots in it. Wait... there's a round thing ahead of us, with people and buildings on it. How unusual."

--

Splot's idea had failed. "What'll we do now?" sobbed Raker. "Any ideas?"

"Yes!" shouted Gaudy.

"Let's hear it, Mr. LaFork."

"I just beat Wata's high score on Tetris!!"

Suddenly, the Cubical began firing on the Boobyprize. With each futon torpedo and fizzer blast, the crew felt a strange obligation to stumble sideways.

"Wata - damage report."

"2 dislodged chips, 3.23 fused interface circuits, a dislocated toenail..."

"Not you, Wata, the ship!!"

"The saucer section is practically blown to bits, but the teacup sectionis alright."

There was a sudden briliant (well, not _that_ good) flash of light, and a familiar figure appeared.

"Q-Cumber!"

"Yes, folks, it's me. I'm supremely bored, so I'll sort out your problem. (Besides, I secrely fancy your captain.)"

Minutes later, Villager burst out of the Cubical, and washed its hands. Pipes burst inside the Bogg ship, and filthy water gushed out into space. Picnose appeared, fuly human, with Wrongway in his arms... and his stomach, legs and mouth.

"I'd tried to merge the captains," Q-Cumber explained.

But then, 800 Bogg beamed aboard, killing all the non-main characters. "I'll handle this," said Picnose. He spat most of Wrongway out, and kicked a Bogg _somewhere_. All the Bogg howled in pain, and collapsed. Their group mind had let them down.

Q-Cumber disappeared in a decent flash. Villager was then pulled 70,000 light years away, and never heard form again. Picnose ripped out the last of Wrongway, and Wata served it to K'neri.

"Sir, I shot 700 megavolts through the hamster, and she's ready to take us to Gawp Speed," Gaudy said.

"Good. Let's go to Dump Space 8½. They'll dispose of all these Bogg corpses," said the captain.

"I think we should strip them down and investigate their advanced equipment first," said Raker.

Picnose noticed a sewing machine on strike. "Make it sew," he commanded, and went off to brush his hair.


End file.
